Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 – 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
We asked the scientists involved whether it was dangerous:
"It causes a cancer," said one expert, with a beard, "but of a special kind. Instead of causing plain simple bodily cancer, like other heavy elements, it acts instead as a cancer throughout the whole of society, feeding upon free radicals and chewing them up through university professorship salaries to become further morons within the Governmentium mass."
"It is incredibly dangerous," said another scientist with a beard, "because once you are afflicted with it, you think it's a good thing and try to spread even more of it around to deflect the blame. Both of us have had to grow beards to try to offset its effects, but even we are feeling tempted to recommend that Governmentium be compulsorily administered to all children, from the ages of 3 through to 21, and then again in all hospitals, for every kind of treatment. Keep clear."
So there you have it folks, the new heaviest element of all time, Governmentium. I suppose we'll discover a use for it one day, but in the meantime, as the men with beards say, stay well clear.
With thanks to the Objective Analyzer