Why you've got to see Avatar

Walking into the cinema, 3D glasses in hand, I was prepared for the endurance test of three hours in a cinema full of teatime children. Clutching my large Pinot Grigio to my chest, and accompanied by a large bag of Maltesers as reinforcements, I settled into the aisle seat on Row B, which was handy for late escapes.

Rather bizarrely, as the film came on, the house lights stayed up. Nobody moved. Not even a certain famous person who we'll come to later. Do the houselights have to stay on for 3D films, I thought? Surely not. So even before the first scene was over I was up on my feet and back to the bar to enquire about the lights being on. This was a very surreal experience; as I walked back towards the exit, about a hundred fully lit people in Gary North glasses looked up at me and muttered about why I was walking out in the first ten seconds of the movie.

One of these must have been this very famous man. So at least I now know that I am more capable than him of overcoming social inertia; which came as a mild surprise when I saw him walking out of the cinema at the end of the film.

Anyway, the cinema staff were very apologetic and turned the house lights off just as I returned to my seat. I expected a round of applause, but I just got more muttering from the ungrateful hordes. C'est la vie.

So, back to the film.

Basically, you've just got to go and see it in your very own Gary North 3D glasses. I should imagine that in 10 years time, all films will be in 3D, and James Cameron will be a multi-billionaire after having propelled this technology into the mainstream.

And what a film it is. I won't spoil it by revealing any of the plot. But essentially libertarians are going to love it, with The Sky People as Mordor-on-the-Potomac Jarheads, and the native people as a combination of all the peoples the US military machine has slaughtered over the last 200 years, fighting back against their invading Washington DC oppressors.

Fantastic.

Alas, there's a whiff of 'Gaian' environmentalism, but I'll forgive Mr Cameron for that, just for using this leitmotif as good commercialism to suck some more audience in.

Yes, three hours is a bit long, and some of the Jocks do only seem capable of speaking in militaristic cliché, however don't let this put you off. Just get a big tub of popcorn in and make sure you're on the aisle to get out for pit stops and refills.

You've just got to see this film. It's almost as good as The Return of the King, and even better if you haven't managed yet to blank out the bit where Aragorn sings.

Oh, and who was the famous man? Why, Jeremy Paxman of course, the presenter of Newsnight and Nemesis of every major British politician since after the fall of Her Blessedness.

Pip pip!!