Friday, January 08, 2010

Ministry of Truth: Cooling Means Warming

Global Warming covers Britain in Deepest Snow since 1981

I must say you've got to admire the pluck of all of those BBC Newscasters in the last five days, with record snowfalls and cold temperatures abounding, to keep pushing out the global warming lies from the Oceanian Ministry of Truth.

At first it was literally frozen smiles all round, as the snow reports came in, then as those record cold temperatures came in too, it started getting really frosty in the newsrooms.

But, after a brief hiatus, they've got back to pumping 'The Truth' out again, with 'special' reports now about how in other parts of the world it is warmer than it is here (without yet mentioning the record snowfalls in North America) and how climate is different from weather.


Yes, the same organisation that predicted a hot summer and a mild winter, the meteorological office, another division of the Ministry of Truth, which can't predict snow more than 7 days out, is still sticking to the line that 'the climate is definitely getting warmer', despite a wet summer and a freezing winter.

No doubt this superior acumen, and the ability to accurately predict the weather a hundred years out, despite being unable to predict the weather six months out, is why the chief parasite at the Ministry of Truth's meteorological office recently awarded himself a 25% pay rise, to over £200,000 pounds a year, which is more than the British Prime Minister gets.

Funny. I thought that after a brief peak in 1998, the global temperatures were now down to those matching approximately 1979. Which would explain why the current snowfalls are matching those of 1981?

Silly old me. I obviously have no conception of the greater overall climate patterns, as supplied to me by a computer model I wrote myself to make the weather get hotter.

The word 'extreme' is also getting a heavy usage. But one wonders how long they can keep using the phrase 'extreme cold weather', because it is gradually becoming 'normal cold weather'? Maturin Towers predicts that 'extreme' will soon be replaced by something even more hysterical, such as 'ecodestructive' or 'disbalancing'.

And what exactly is 'extreme' about weather matching that of 1981? Surely "a bit colder than it's been of late" would be sufficient?

One also wonders how cold exactly it has to get before the global warming nonsense finally goes away. It reached -18 degrees Celsius two nights ago, about five miles away from me, and it certainly felt like it the next morning.

And no doubt if it does get warmer next year (which is a 50% likelihood), this will be held as absolute 'proof' of the theory. Yet if it gets even colder (another 50% likelihood), this 'aberration' will once again be ignored. (Yes folks, the death of science is alive and well at the Ministry of Truth.)

Oh well, back to shovelling my 4x4 out of the snow. Thank goodness the government's taxes to try to force me into a 2-wheel drive car haven't hit my 10-year old car yet. All the people round my way, with new 2-wheel drive cars, are starting to get really worried about getting to the shops to get food in for the weekend.

Fortunately, I have no problems with my superior traction over snow, and no doubt I'll be getting in quite a few shopping runs for my neighbours. You see, having a heretic in the street can be useful sometimes, even if he is an 'unbeliever'.

And I hate to think how cold it would have been if evil capitalists hadn't been pumping out CO2 for the last 200 years, to keep the temperature up.

-28 Celcius, perhaps? In Oxfordshire?

Thank goodness though we have all these nice environmentalists at the BBC forcing us to stop burning gas to keep warm in the freezing cold induced by the global warming ...Errr...? Shurely Shome Mishtake? Does not comput.....

Yes, at the BBC Ministry of Truth, four plus four really does equal five.

Happy New Year.

Pip pip!!


AL said...

Fantastic! Happy New Year!

Paul said...

Excellent piece!!

Happy New Year!!!

Here in Estonia I'm having constant flashbacks to my childhood (early 80-s) as we are having the same snowy winter wonderland. And I'm loving it. At long last some proper winter!

Actually in Tallinn we had all time record in snow thickness - 62 cm (24.5 inches). It's mostly because of the fresh fluffy snow. I think that over the last two weeks it has snowed close to 1m of snow (it snows every night, unbelievable) but the new layers press down the old snow so the carpet is not that thick...