Thursday, June 19, 2008

I'm all right, Jack!

Politicians are usually very careful with words, the tools of their thieving trade, so it’s often worth a little extra effort to consider what they really mean when they open their lying mouths.

Two of the best in the business were at it last night. So let’s translate the text of what Sir Mervyn Counterfeiter and Chancellor Badger Darling said in their speeches at their annual Mansion House blow-out.
Families will see their standard of living stagnate this year while the value of their homes will fall further, the Bank of England has warned.
Wages are dropping and prices are going up. Deal with it, plebs.
The coming months represent the biggest challenge for the economy for two decades, Mervyn King said, adding that some households will find them "particularly difficult".
My salary and pension are sorted, with money printed from fresh air by the government, so don’t expect any tears from me.
In his most sombre message yet, Mr King said families were being squeezed hard by higher electricity and food prices on the one hand and slowly-increasing wages on the other.
And if you haven’t noticed this yet, peasants, you deserve everything that’s coming to you.
He told Alistair Darling and leading City dignitaries in London that the experience would be even tougher than the credit crunch, and warned that the "era of cheap mortgage finance... is over".
Well, at least until the next time the Bank of England is able to get away with it.
Mr King said: "This year our real take-home pay will rise at a slower pace than national productivity. Rising fuel, gas, electricity and food prices, mean that average real take-home pay will stagnate this year.
Stagnate does of course mean drop like a stone, but we don’t want to frighten the horses.
"It will not be an easy time, and I know that some families will find it particularly difficult."
Ha, ha, ha – that’ll serve the little people right for bleeding their mortgages to buy fancy barbecues, garden decking, and ridiculous hot tubs.
In a blow for The Chancellor of the Exchequer, beside whom he delivered his speech at the annual Mansion House banquet last night, he warned: "The squeeze on real take-home pay will arguably be an even more significant restraint on consumer spending this year than the credit crunch.
Yep. Caught bang to rights, guv. But nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more to the eye of a blind man – Know what I mean, eh, eh?
"And it will affect the housing market too – lower demand in the high street will go hand in hand with lower demand in the property market."
You’re all screwed.
The Governor said house prices would fall in comparison to families’ earnings - an indication that their values have some way further to drop.
Really screwed.
The speech was the most austere yet delivered by Mr King, who has previously warned that the so-called NICE decade (standing for non-inflationary consistent expansion) was over.
Because in our world, the CPI figures of 2%, the RPI figures of 4%, and the real inflation rate of 10%, all add up to a non-inflationary figure of zero, mainly because you’re all idiots who can’t add up. In fact anything under 20% means no inflation at all. Idiots.
The comments come in a week inflation rose to its highest level in 15 years, outpacing wages and threatening to reduce Britons' standard of living.
Well, I wouldn’t say ‘threaten’. I really think that ‘demolish’ would be the more appropriate word.
Mr King was forced earlier this week to write his second letter of explanation to Mr Darling for allowing inflation to rise above target.
It was nuffing to do with us, guv. All those government bonds we bought with fresh air, thus creating hundreds of billions in fractional reserve fiat cash, are completely immaterial.
However, the Bank Governor urged families not to panic, reassuring them that this tough period would be short-lived.
About five years. And you peasants must keep paying your mortgages on shrinking wages, otherwise those of us in the banking and political classes might actually notice.
"These changes to our spending power and to the housing market are 'real' shifts that, although not easy to accept, we cannot side-step," he said.
Turn off the printing press, Claude, for a bit. We’ve been rumbled by those pesky Austrians, again.
"We face the most difficult economic challenge for two decades. But I am confident that we can meet it. Inflation will fall back and growth will recover."
Christmas is cancelled.
He and the Chancellor urged families not to demand higher wages and push prices even higher.
You should eat cake, instead.
In his first address to the masnion House event since becoming Chancellor, Mr Darling dismissed suggestions that the economy is heading for a 1970s-style meltdown.
I’d reckon more like a 1930s-style one.
But he warned that inflation did need to be brought under control and that people should exercise restraint in pay negotiations to avoid the current economic woes deepening.
So take it on the chin, unwashed masses of Britain, work hard, pay your taxes, and stop grumbling – we need you more than you can imagine.
On Wednesday it was disclosed that the Shell tankers' driver strike was called off following a 14 per cent pay rise offer.
Mr Darling said: "I have seen reports suggesting inflation figures show we are returning to the days of the 70’s.
The last time we had a Labour government.
"They are wrong, both in the nature of the problems we face and also in the scale. Today’s inflation must be tackled. We cannot be complacent.
Instead, we must run like headless chickens through 10 and 11 Downing Street, praying for a miracle to happen in the next two years otherwise the Labour party is going to be wiped out in the next election, and may disappear entirely to shrink smaller than the Liberal Democrats.
"But in comparison to the 1970s when it reached over 26 per cent, it remains low. Even in 1991, it was still at 8 per cent."
Yes, we’ll take credit for the good times, but when the bad times come, it ain’t nuffing to do with all those government bonds we’ve been routing through the Bank of England counterfeit machine.
The Chancellor said that inflation was rising as a result of global economic turbulence which was rapidly pushing up the price of food and energy.
Yes, inflation has been visited upon us from outer space. It really does have absolutely nothing to do with all those pounds, dollars, yen, and euros, the world’s central banks have been pumping out of fresh air for the last couple of decades.
Consumers have been warned that gas and electricity bills could rise by up to 40 per cent this winter.
Budget for at least 50%, and put a crisis management plan in place for 100%.
However, Mr Darling urged workers not to make matters worse by pushing for inflation-busting pay rises.
As well as Christmas, your holidays are cancelled, you won’t be getting a new car for a few years (which is nice, as we’ll be putting up taxes on your old one), those piano and ballet lessons for your children should be cancelled, and it will probably be a good idea to get your elderly relatives over to Switzerland so you can bump them off to pick up their inheritances (which is even nicer, as I’ll be taxing you at 40% on those). By the way, none of this applies to anyone working in the public sector – you can carry on hosing yourselves in champagne. And why not? It’s not like you’re paying for anything, is it?
"Continued restraint on pay is required from both the public and private sector," he said.
Though MPs, senior civil servants, generals, bankers, and anyone else who might one day get on a Bilderberger invitation list, will of course deserve magnificent pay rises to reward them for getting us through this crisis.
"We must recognise the need to reward efforts of people who work hard.
Especially those of us who travel first class on airplanes, while travelling to six-star hotels in the US, to discuss these difficult matters over Châteauneuf-du-Pape and Michelin-starred meals, with our Bilderberger colleagues, before being whisked back to Dulles in chauffeured air-conditioned Mercedes. By Gad, it’s a tough life.
"But to return now to inflationary pay settlements would undermine rather than raise people’s living standards with a damaging circle of wage increases eroded by steadily rising prices.
So, poor people, be glad that your wealth has been successfully transferred to the political and banking classes and stop grumbling about it; you’re starting to make us feel slightly guilty.
"We must never return to those days."
And the waves must cease coming in, said King Canute to his minions, because I order it so.
The warning was sounded amid growing disquiet from public sector unions over the pay increases - which are now below inflation - agreed with the police, teachers, nurses and council workers.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha – more fool them!
Many are now threatening strike action and are demanding that the pay agreements are renegotiated.
Ungrateful bastards. Haven’t we gold-plated them enough already?
There are growing concerns the resolution of the Shell dispute could encourage further industrial action.
We will be pulling the Army out of Afghanistan and Iraq shortly, so they can re-garrison Britain, particularly around the major conurbations. All contingencies have been planned and budgeted for.
The Government could face a major challenge next week when Unison announces the results of a strike ballot among 600,000 council workers. The workers have rejected a 2.45 per cent pay increase.
We will order the Bank of England to buy up around £5 billion in old government bonds. This will then enable the banks to buy up £100 billion in new government bonds, which should be enough for us to pay off all of these ungrateful swine. And believe me, if you think you’ve got inflation now, wait until all that little lot feeds through the monetary system!
In a BBC interview, Mr Darling repeatedly declined to reject suggestions that Britons would face a decline in living standards this year - as their wages would rise by less than the cost of living.
So what? Can’t you plebs cut down on your MacDonald’s meals, weekend coke runs, and Sky Sports subscriptions? Why should politicians and their minions have to suffer in times of recession? We are needed to steer everyone through – therefore I will shortly be announcing a massive rise in MPs’ pay, for all the unsung hard work they do at the many bars and restaurants of Westminster.
He also insisted that the economic pain was likely to prove short-lived.
Well, for those of us in the trough, obviously.
"There are very good reasons for people to be optimistic," he said.
Have you seen the size of my government pension? It’s massive.
"Yes it’s tough, but we can get through it."
I’ll rattle along, on a hundred and fifty thousand a year, with another £200 thousand in expenses, plus never having to pay for any Michelin-starred meal or any first class journey, with a £2.5 million pension pot awaiting me in five years time. I’ll be alright. Thanks taxpayers – Fools!

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