Monday, October 13, 2008
Flash Gordon - Saviour of the Universe
Not content with saving Britain from the collapse of capitalism, His Majesty Gordon Brown, saviour of the universe, today announced that although this is a global problem imported from America and in no way due to himself or his actions over the last 11 years, he is going to save the rest of mankind from themselves via the heroic action of spending everybody else's money.
This king of the impossible will save every one of us, every man, woman and child, by the actions of his mighty hand and with a mighty flash of inspiration.
Yes, he's going to copy Warren Buffett's investment strategy with Goldman Sachs and apply it to the entire world. What a man! What courage! Surely this plan and this man can never fail, one who is so pure in heart? Yes, I do believe he has found the holy grail. He has found a way to bring Karl Marx's ten commandments, first seen in Communist Manifesto, into the fresh air of day, particularly commandment five, once held to be an impossible act. Comrade Flash Brown surely is a genius.
If you don't believe me, check these commandments out, along with their Maturin Towers comments:
1. Abolition of property in land and application of all rents of land to public purposes - Eminent domain has now reduced property ownership to mere rent application from the state
2. A heavy progressive or graduated income tax - I don't think we need to examine this one in any detail whatsoever
3. Abolition of all rights of inheritance - Still working on this one, but a 40% tax will do for the moment
4. Confiscation of the property of all emigrants and rebels - Especially Icelandics via the use of terrorism laws
5. Centralization of credit in the banks of the state, by means of a national bank with state capital and an exclusive monopoly - Everything Brown has been doing in the last week
6. Centralization of the means of communication and transport in he hands of the state - The continued heavy funding of the BBC and the state licensing of all other media outlets and telecoms industries with the exception of the Internet, but fear ye not, that won't be much longer in coming
7. Extension of factories and instruments of production owned by the state; the bringing into cultivation of waste lands, and the improvement of the soil generally in accordance with a common plan - Also known as the EU common agricultural policy
8. Equal obligation of all to work. Establishment of industrial armies, especially for agriculture. - When we say "all", we obviously don't include any of our clients, just the taxpaying serfs who will be made to fund the whole kaboodle
9. Combination of agriculture with manufacturing industries; gradual abolition of all the distinction between town and country by a more equable distribution of the populace over the country. - Hence the town and country planning act
10. Free education for all children in public schools. Abolition of children's factory labor in its present form. Combination of education with industrial production, etc. - Just about there, with a few pesky private schools still left
Yes, we're nearly there. All we need is a bit more EU power, and a bit more of Gordon's brilliance, and we shall have fully arrived at the communist state of Karl Marx's dreams. The tricky one was always step five, but now that has been taken care of, the rest will fall like skittles. Well done, Gordon.