Gissa Job: Blair Makes His Pitch As World Controller

Although it makes no difference to me whether the pink lizard of Tony Blair rules Britannia, or the red and blue lizards embodied in Gordon Brown and David Cameron, it is amusing to watch their reptilian struggles for supremacy. And the boy Blair? He knows the game is up. In the Third Way of life, he is now the Third Man; hence, his pitch for a post-prime ministerial job, which you can read about here. I must say, to be so public in his pleas for tax-fed dollars, once he's turfed out of Downing Street, is a little demeaning for this self-styled Colossus, but what is a Doctor of Death to do, once the game is up? Swallowing his pride is the least of his worries. My only real surprise is that he didn't break spontaneously into the lyrics for My Way, at the end of his speech.

Just for fun, though, let's examine his Yosser Hughes style pitch, to see whether he'll get the position he deserves, however this time lifting wealth out of the pockets of the entire world, not just those of us unlucky enough to have him thieving off us in Britain:

Tony Blair last night challenged the world to unite around a policy of "progressive pre-emption" as he sought to shore up his legacy by linking the invasion of Iraq to a range of problems, from global warming and poverty to immigration.

Progressive pre-emption? I think a certain Austrian gentleman with a moustache couldn't have put a better argument for the needs for a World Reich, with supreme power granted to a single man representing the will of the world's Volk.

It's also heartening to see that he's falling back to the usual socialist excuse that because joined-up socialist government has failed in Britain, this is because it needs the whole world to be joined-up in a vast socialist enterprise to really work.

In a speech in Washington just hours after he and President George W Bush made strikingly frank admissions of mistakes in their handling of Iraq, the Prime Minister called for the world to help the new government in Baghdad. On his visit to Iraq on Monday he had seen a "child of democracy struggling to be born".

Ye Gods, what a sickening analogy. What we are witnessing, of course, is a massive civil war being born, with the two midwives of Britain and the United States looking on in horror as three nations emerges from the ruins of one imposed upon them by the French and British colonial powers in the early part of the twentieth century. Once the Kurds have their own country, we'll then witness a Kurdish-Turkish war, and once the Sunnis and the Shias have their own countries, the Shias will amalgamate with Iran, and then we'll have a real Middle-East war to die for, between the Persians on one hand and the Arabs on the other. No doubt the Israelites will find themselves embroiled to create a real imbroglio for War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death. Oh what joy. Well done George and Tony.

He also called for radical reform of the United Nations and its sister bodies, the IMF and the World Bank, arguing they were out-of-date and incapable of confronting the financial and security threats facing the world.

I would have just said incapable. And left it at that. No doubt though, Tony has someone in mind to lead this reform. I wonder who this could be?

"Occasionally I look at our international institutions and think as I do about our welfare state: the structures of 1946 trying to meet the challenges of 2006," he said.

So why the haven't you done anything about it in the last nine years, such as abolishing the whole rotten edifice and freeing us from the welfare state's chains of poverty, dependency, and despair? Honestly, Tony. Why are you intelligent enough to see that the Welfare State is a crock, but too cowardly to do anything about it, except make it even more intrusive and even more insatiable for taxation theft? You're even stupider than I thought you were.

Mr Blair was clearly trying to move the domestic and international debate on from the rifts over Iraq to how to tackle future crises.

Yes, and when I was a small boy, if I knocked a plant pot over, spilling wet soil all over a white shagpile carpet, I was always keen to move the debate on too, perhaps to what was for lunch?

But the setbacks in Iraq inevitably overshadowed his visit to Washington, which may be his last as prime minister.

Well, we can but hope.

In a joint press conference at the White House on Thursday night, both leaders briefly dropped their usual staunch defence of the Iraq policy and expressed contrition for some past utterances and actions.

I wonder if this has anything to do with both men taking a kicking in appovals polls? They'd do better to follow Queen Victoria's advice, which helped her remain in political office for over sixty years: Never complain and never explain. (She'd probably still be Queen now, if she could've lived that long.)

Mr Bush said he regretted his "tough talk" conceding that his "bring it on" dare to the insurgents in the summer of 2003 and his "wanted dead or alive" taunt to Osama bin Laden in late 2001 had sent the "wrong signal to people".

It certainly sent the wrong signal to the London Tube murderers, of last year. But I digress.

Mr Blair conceded that they had underestimated some challenges. In an implicit dig at the Pentagon he criticised the decision to bar members of Saddam Hussein's Ba'ath Party from the Iraqi government after the fall of Baghdad.

So you spend untold billions on removing the Ba'ath lizards from power, only to reinstitute the same lizards afterwards? Was the whole thing really then just a bid by Blair and Bush to change the tutelage of the socialist tyrants of Iraq, from Saddam Hussein to themselves? So what was all that cant about freeing the Iraqi people from the Ba'ath party? I give up.

The most concrete proposals in his speech at Georgetown University yesterday concerned the UN. He called for more powers for the UN secretary general, and increasing the number of permanent members of the security council.

Here, we get to the meat inside the sandwich of his speech. I wonder who Blair thinks would make a good UN secretary general? Perhaps someone with prime ministerial experience, able to converse with presidents, used to jetting around the world's trouble spots, as an angel of mercy dispensing aid, hope, and justice? Hmmmm...it's a tough one.

In psychology, there's an effect studied in baboons where one baboon who wants to be the group leader will flag with his eyes to potential supporters, behind the back of the current King baboon. The aspirant baboon then tackles the current King, with the aid of these supporters, who on his victory then take up the newly vacant privileged positions in the group, as his lieutenants. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Tony Blair really is a baboon. You read it here first.

A council with no fixed seats for India, Germany, Japan and no representatives from Latin America and Africa was no longer "legitimate in the modern world" and must be changed, he said. "The danger of leaving things as they are, is ad hoc coalitions for action that stir massive controversy about legitimacy; or paralysis in the face of crisis." The G8 summits of industrialised nations should now also include China, India, Brazil, South Africa and Mexico.

In a free world, of course, there'll be no need for power blocs, as each and every one of us will be trading with billions of other people, as individuals. But if you do subscribe to the power bloc view of the world, what is the point of including everyone? That's like having a football team with 22 players and no opposition.

Tony Blair really is quite incredible. In one sentence he criticizes the UN for being too unwieldy and prone to paralysis. And in the next, he institutes a plan to make the G8 group more unwieldy and prone to paralysis. Quite simply incredible.

He said his vision was shaped by two crises early in his premiership - the war in Kosovo and the 1997 collapse of the Asian markets. "What these two crises taught me was that the rule book of international politics has been torn up," he said.

Well, in the first, it was Blair who tore up the rule book. In the second, this was just economic reality tearing a chunk out of the Keynesian idiots of Wall Street and the City of London, and their Galbraithian friends in government, who thought the laws of economics had changed to provide for unlimited growth forever. To mix these two entirely separate issues, of Kosovo and inflationary bubbles, however, is a stroke of genius by Mr Blair. Confuse, obfuscate, divide, and rule, has been the succesful ruling stratagem of all bandit tyrant classess since time began.

He may be an evil, dangerous, selfish and debauched man, but Tony Blair is really good at it.

Challenges such as global warming and mass migration "can only be tackled together. And they require a pre-emptive not simply reactive response".

Remove welfare states, and privatise all government property, and the migration problems between states, simply disappears. All you'll have then are people moving around the world to help make their lives better, usually by helping the lives of other people, by providing them with remunerated products and services. That's that problem solved.

And global warming is a chimera invented to provide politicians and their state clients, such as environmental lecturers in state-sponsored universities, to legitimise their control over the rest of us proles. Even if global warming does exist, which I doubt, the climate on Earth has always changed, and always will change, and so we should just get on with it and deal with whatever is thrown at us by nature, as it arises. So that's that problem solved.

What on Earth do we need politicians for? We just need a really good healthy dose of anarcho-capitalism. And it only really needs to be in one tiny part of the world, let's say the state of Alabama, or even just the tinier city of Auburn. If successful, the domino effect of the totally voluntary society could then cascade around the world, if left unchecked.

No doubt if Auburn or Alabama did manage to secede bloodlessly from the United States, Mr Blair would quickly send his UN troops in to make them sign up to his Global Warming, Human Rights, Drugs War, and Welfare State protocols, thus negating the whole experiment. But we can only live in hope that one day the shoot of anarcho-capitalism does manage to break through the morass of western government, at least in one part of the western world.

Mr Blair will face scepticism, in particular over UN reform which is bogged down. He stressed, however, that in nine years as prime minister he had become convinced that the traditional distinction between foreign policies driven by values and interests was wrong.

The only interests Tony Blair is concerned about are the interests of Tony Blair. And that dreadful West Wing puppet-controlling harpie he lives with.

Since the September 11 attacks "the greatest danger is that global politics divides into "hard" and "soft", he said. The idea that the "hard" get after the terrorists, the "soft" campaign against poverty" is dangerous and misleading. "We have to be prepared to think sooner and act quicker in defence of (those) values - progressive pre-emption, if you will."

It's official. Tony Blair is a fascist. And if you don't like it, once he's secured his aspired-for job as World Controller, be prepared to be on the end of some progressive pre-emption. You have been warned.