Get a UK home for virtually free

With an immediate sign that the new chief executive of the government-owned Royal Bank of Scotland is merely a civil servant directly under the thumb of HM Treasury, Stephen Hester has announced that he will give mortgage defaulters six months of non-payment of debt before he calls in the bailiffs.

Alistair Darling, the puppet-on-a-string Chancellor, only asked for three months, but in a good impression of an ambitious civil servant asking "How high do you want me to jump, minister?", Hester has responded with a very pleasing six months.

Obviously, what this really means is that if you live in a house funded by an RBS loan, you will never be thrown out of it, except under the most extreme of circumstances. The government never likes upsetting voters or allowing newspaper reporters to take photographs of these upset voters being thrown out of 'their' homes, particularly in marginal constituencies. So here's the AngloAustrian guide to how you can get a virtually free new home:

1). Leave your current rental property. Get a mortgage from the taxpayer, via RBS, and buy 'your' new dream home in a marginal constituency.

2). Don't make any payments for five months.

3). Put the saved money you would have otherwise paid in rent on your old house, into gold and ignore any RBS letters that may drop onto your doormat.

4). After five months, make a single payment. This should stop the letters for a while.

5). This time, sit on your old rent money for at least a year and put it into gold. (By now it should be worth around $2,000 dollars an ounce.)

6). Ignore all of the increasingly frequent RBS letters that drop onto the doormat, though do at least open them and look for the Queen's coat of arms. Wait until you see such a letter, stamped with a court appearance date, which will probably take about a year to arrive. (It will have taken this long because the government will have instructed the courts to be lenient on mortgage defaulters - and if you don't think the British government can order the British courts around, just examine the recent record of court judgements when people have been defending themselves against the Inland Revenue, sorry, Revenue and Customs.)

7). As soon you see the court order, make another single payment.

8). Now wait at least two years, continuing to funnel your old rent money into gold. By now gold should be worth about $8,000 dollars an ounce. (Or approximately £4,000 pounds - Bretton Woods II will have pegged the pound to being worth two dollars, with the Federal Reserve becoming the sole world central bank issuing all currencies.)

9). Around three or four years should have gone by, and you will only have had to make two mortgage payments. The fairly cheap house you 'bought' at today's prices, will have also collapsed even further in price to approximately half of what you, or rather the taxpayer via the Royal Bank of Scotland, paid for it, despite the new flood of pounds mysteriously entering the world economy. A new government law will have also come into being, to help marginal constituency voters such as yourself. I don't know the exact wording of it, because it hasn't been written yet or even thought of, by the clowns in Whitehall, but it will go something like this: "Anyone in mortgage arrears will have their debt dropped to whatever their property is currently worth, should this be lower than the original price."

10). To now stop all of these annoying letters, take some of the gold you have accumulated, probably about a quarter of it as the pound will have collapsed in value against gold, and buy your house outright, at its new very low price. Also, make sure all of the gold you have left is held as physical gold and is hidden from all view, and especially is not held in a safety deposit box. At this point the increasingly fascist government will be considering confiscating all gold, 'in order to save your standard of living.' At some distant point in the future, should we not have all died in a Gulag, it will become legal to hold gold again. At that point, buy a castle or something with it; gold might be worth so much by now, that the Queen, or one of her other figurehead descendants, might let you have Windsor.

Fantastic!

So, for making two payments, and waiting around four years, you will now own lock, stock, and barrel, the dream home of your choice, and after twenty years or so, when the government allows you to legally hold gold again, a castle.

Welcome to Gordon Mugabe's modern Britain, a land built for hard-working families to hand over their wealth to feckless non-producing layabouts and other government non-job regulating buffoons.