In these difficult days of endless theft and control from the pirates who infest our society, kidnap our children, and steal the bread from our mouths, I thought it might be in the public interest for AngloAustria to offer its readers a cut-out-and-keep guide to enable the victims of these vermin to know how and when to protect themselves. So if you ever see any of the people described below, lock your doors, hide your wallets, and do whatever you can to remove the interactions you have with them, from your lives. Because although these people may seem occasionally to be “of the people”, they are nothing more than a bunch of self-righteous ravenous scum who should be drummed out of society through the mechanism of the cold shoulder. Avoid them at all costs and try to de-legitimize them. Never acknowledge their criminal rule. And always resist their gifts, for whatever they offer you will have been stolen first from your neighbour and then wrapped in your own sweat.
So here is the AngloAustrian guide to the Enemy. Know them. Resist them. And then one day we will be free from their criminal grasp.
Capo Di Tutti Capi
The Capo di Tutti Capi is the "Boss of all Bosses" and the main bandit in the woodpile. All of the contractual bonds which tie together the Gang end up held tightly as reins in the hands of this man, who defends his troops with a silver tongue allied to a quick brain and a ruthless temperament. Never underestimate this crook, because if you cross him, you will be hung, drawn, and quartered in the tax courts, though he himself will be the most nervous man in the kingdom, because everyone else wants his throne. Though he didn’t rise this high in the Gang by being nice. He always gets this position by being the most ruthless current rat in the gutter.
Capo di Capi Re
The "King Boss of Bosses" is usually a semi-retired member of the Gang, often adopting this emeritus position after a period as an earlier stint as the Capo di Tutti Capi. He is often found in a senior position on the ruling Crime Commission, usually with the grudging blessing of a successor. However, few men survive an earlier incarnation as a Capo di Tutti Capi and only do so through superior guile and matchless power broking, usually in combination with the rare skill of knowing when to give up and get out. So if you ever meet a Capo di Capi Re, count your fingers afterwards and then count your blessings if you have any left, because you will find few confidence tricksters to rival them for their breathtaking skills in rampant demagoguery and outrageous sophistry. Master criminals. Never turn your back.
The Capofamiglia (or Capo Crimini) is the archetypal "Crime Boss" most of us will be familiar with from our newspapers as Secretaries of State. Sometimes known as “The Don” or “The Godfather”, these people will usually head their own “Ministries” within the main Gang organisation, often conflicting with other rival “Ministries” ruled over by the same Crime Commission. Always with at least one eye on the main prize, they will faithfully serve their Capo di Tutti Capi, at least until they smell his blood in the water. Many of those who achieve this rank, but go no further, will be weak and lazy, but all will have done their share of past “Dirty Work”, hence their eminent position. The more talented ones will be obvious to spot, as they will appear to have boundless energy and will always be able to take up two contradictory positions at the same time and convince most reasonable men that they support both of them! Dangerously ambitious. Keep well away from impressionable children.
Completing the quadrumvirate of the top posts within the Crime Family, the Consigliere is generally situated outside the main power pyramid and will usually act as an advisor or counsellor to one of the other three posts. Lacking the ambition of the Capofamiglia, these people will generally be happy helping themselves to large portions of pelf raised on the gang’s turf, but some may possess a thwarted ambition, hence a diagonal move upwards from Capo Bastone. So before any unpleasant dealings with a Congigliere, work out whether they’re on the way down (a retired Capofamiglia), on the way up (a frustrated Capo Bastone), or more naturally going sideways. However, always watch out because they will know where the bodies are. And you don’t get to know where the bodies are without having buried a few of them yourself.
The Underboss, or Sotto Capo, is the nasty arrogant figure we usually associate with the Gang, often adopting a guise as a “Minister of State”, the Underboss typically acts as a cut-out to the Capofamiglia to ensure there is deniability at a higher level, by taking the heat and keeping their mouths shut. If they survive this apprenticeship, they can usually look forward to a future stint in a higher “Boss” role, especially if they play the game of dead men’s shoes. Sometimes a Capo Bastone can get too big for their own boots, especially if they are related directly to the Capo di Tutti Capi, but a late night bullet in the neck can usually sort out such nonsense, via the “Parliamentary reshuffle” process.
The "Regime Head" or "Group Boss" is sometimes known as the Capo, the Capodecina (“Boss of Ten”), or more simply, the Captain. As the latter name suggests, this member of the Gang is generally the workhorse officer of the ruling regime, planning and executing most of the dirty jobs that needs to be done, via a personal “Crime Crew”, which consists of even more junior Sgarristas (or Lieutenants).
This street Soldato (or Soldier) is the lowest member of the officer corps of the Gang. With many other names, including “The Made Man”, "Uomini D'onore", “Man of Honour”, or, more prosaically, “The Button”, he must have made his bones. Making your bones generally consists of telling a blatant lie on national television for the good of the Gang. These Lieutenants generally follow direct orders from the Capo, carrying out his spade work at the sharp end of the Gang’s criminal activities. If any doors need kicking down in any of the various protection rackets the Gang runs, it will be the Soldato who is on the other end of the boot. Fear these people. It is often more than their “job is worth” to disobey their orders and to cross them is to enrage them. It is simply better to avoid ever having anything to do with them. So if anyone you meet ever says something as heinous as “I work for the Ministry”, peg them for a Soldato and get out of there quickly before you catch any more of their nefarious and wealth-confiscating attention.
A more junior member of the Gang, coming in about sergeant rank, though often carrying out the dual roles of either Enforcer or Bagman. Once they have successfully “made their bones” without being caught out in a Big TV Lie by the media, they will usually progress smoothly up into the higher echelons.
Associate Members are the lowest rank in the gang, usually serving as mindless bureaucrats in the tax offices of the protection squads. Many of these scum never rise above this role and spend miserable lives whiling away endless hours in comfortable palaces all over the Gang's turf. But avoid ever feeling sorry for them. They chose this life and they can take all that comes from it, even if it’s the torpor of filling in a million endless forms in triplicate or counting out several thousand paper clips a day while the rest of us are milked to pay for their meagre slice of the action.
That completes our brief rundown of the Enemy. Remember folks, if you see any of the people above, the best thing you can do is just simply get as far out of their way as possible. The more we can isolate this Crime Gang and reveal them for what they are, the sooner we will be rid of them.