Budget Special - An Inspector Calls

In plans announced by Tory HQ, today, a future David Cameron government has pledged to ration, regulate, and tax the emissions of perhaps the worst global warming gas of all, and all for our own good. Yep, that's right folks, a vast new bureaucracy, self-funding from ration stamp charges issued in pursuance of said gas, and monitored through the aid of 'personal ration cards', entirely unlike internal passport ID cards, will be created to take charge of everyone's trouser burps. A Tory spokesman said:

"Methane is approximately 100 times powerful as a greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide, and as such, I don't think it's too much to ask the British people to put their bottoms where their mouths are, and allow us to tax their gaseous emissions. Obviously, there will be a tax free allowance, but if you're a bit of a porker or a Guinness bloater, you'll be forced to pay for your own excess for every blast over the limit; you'll have no-one to blame but yourself. We will create a self-funding agency, independent of government, to monitor the situation, and special trousers will be licensed to trap and measure the rear-end exhalations of everyone, to ensure they're obeying their gaseous ration limit. As the party of the individual, we want everyone to pay for their individual acts of flatulence. Oh, and yeah, the effects on global warming are devastating, apparently."

Gordon Brown announced that David Cameron's plans were preposterous. He instead announced that he will introduce all of the same bureaucracy, and licensed trouser manufacturer subsidies, obviously, but instead of a ration, he will simply charge each taxpayer on a "Pay as you Pump" basis. In a visionary green paper, he proposed the following examples as in line with his plans for the new charges:

Air Poop - Ten pence
Easing Springs - Twenty pence
Back Blast - Fifty pence
Cheese Toasty - £1
Silent But Deadly - £2.37
Space Shuttle Launch - £2.38
Guinness Gazumpa - £18.50

In a further move, Brown announced that anyone caught eating boiled eggs and cheese on the same day will also be asked to call the police and pay a £400 special monitoring charge. In part of the same enabling act, the same vast bureaucracy will also be charged with monitoring individual travel mileages.