Thursday, April 03, 2008

Vanity towns

Let’s take it as read that AngloAustria is thoroughly against the idea of government-sponsored eco-towns, of which around 10 are planned in the UK, by Gordon Brown, the forthcoming ex-prime minister. I could toss in phrases such as “Stalinist concentration camps outside the market and therefore doomed to fail”, “An appalling Swedish-style harbinger of things to come”, and other assorted anarcho-capitalist diatribes, but where would the fun be in that?

Obviously, these “eco-towns” will be a total disaster, from start to finish, making the dreadful Milton Keynes look like a sumptuous Xanadu, but think of the business opportunities! These towns will be full of people with nothing to do all day except recycle cardboard boxes, push-biked in to them by sustainable Aardvarks. Therefore, these suicidally bored mono-maniacs will be desperate to escape and get proper jobs somewhere else, though none of them will have cars so they’ll be stuck! So if you provide commuting services for them, to get to the nearest rail terminal for instance, you could clean up! (Pun thoroughly intended.)

And then, once you have made a fortune from transporting these sad miserable people out of the hell-holes of their own choosing, think of the amusement you’ll be able to have reminding them how incompatible commuting is with “sustainable environmentally friendly eco-living”.

Personally, if they build one of these Potemkin villages in my neck of the woods, I’ll be up there each weekend in an enormous hired 4x4, smoking cigars, and lecturing them all via truck-mounted loudspeaker on the evils of commuting. Picture the stone aged hatred on the faces of the inhabitants as I roll by. Imagine the fun!

But seriously, can you imagine living anywhere worse than in a green-field government eco-town? It really will be a living hell, with one hundred per cent state-employed populations of po-faced human haters living cheek-by-jowl in houses made from goats’ cheese and Peruvian muesli (canoed in by mutinous Camel).

Aside from the horrible amounts of subsidy each of these towns will suck in, until enough of the population commute away to do real work in the market place of voluntary human needs, I shall be filled with hilarity each day until the point comes where all of these appalling places become either ghost towns, vacuous “nowhere-places” like Canberra in Australia filled with nothing but government jobs, or dead commuter villages re-populated each evening by self-loathing hypocrites.

And if we do get ghost towns, think of the money we could make turning each one into a giant paint-balling venue! Fantastic.

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