The hysterical religious reverence for Obama that has just swept the world, prompted me to work out which God Obama is most like. Is he a Jesus?
No, he's too smooth and too prone to talk too much. Jesus preferred actions to words and kept His sound bites short. Is Obama a young virile Apollo then?
No. Apollo is too sexually charged and Obama is definitely a "Son of God" figure and all of these heavenly characters possess a heavy maternal figure hanging over them. Jesus qualifies, of course, but we must rule Him out as above. So I had to hunt for a "Son of God" from a non-Christian religion. There are many, but which one would it be? Is he Zeus, the son of Rhea, the lady behind the origin of the milky way, as she spurted milk across the heavens while breast feeding Zeus in his crib?
No. Zeus is too old and too powerful. We saw from the Obama speech the other evening that Obama is going for the "new broom" youthful angle, so he's definitely a young God. Also, he made sure to get his retaliation in early and ensured he didn't promise to deliver us the world, so he's definitely not all powerful. But now I had him fairly nailed down. I needed a smooth, charismatic, confident, young, male Son of God, with a powerful maternal character protecting him and ready to do battle with evil, but with a certain amount of tear-jerking vulnerability. This God can bleed, I thought, and he must suffer and feel pain - though eventually he will transgress all difficulties and save the world! It could only be one God.
Yes, it has to be Horus. It all fits. Horus is out of Africa (from Egypt), his mother Isis (Hillary Clinton) is an all-powerful matriarch standing jealous guard over him. His father Osiris (Bill Clinton) lost his penis, and Horus must regain the mighty organ from the evil Set (George Bush) to make Egypt whole again. Marvellous.
Many, say, of course, that the Isis-Horus axis was the original basis for the Mary-Jesus axis, and you will note that Jesus also came out of Africa (Egypt) to regain the promised land for his disciples. Which is a story I can leave for another day.
Even better than that, having solved this particular religious mystery I can rest. Not that it's going to do anyone in America any good. I hate to break this news to you, particularly if you are a BBC Newsnight reporter, but Obama really is a man of flesh and blood, not an omnipotent God, and he really does not possess holy transcendental powers, just a good way with words and the ability to deliver them with style. But I'll let you have your five minutes of fun. You'll see, anyway, in a couple of years, that he's just another Joe Blow from the suburbs with not the slightest idea of why socialism is the worst religion that has ever inflicted the Earth.
Enjoy the mystique while you can. And then wait for the bill to arrive.